Miscarriage

As difficult as this is to talk about, especially given how recently it happened, I really feel the need to write all the details down while they are still fresh in my mind.

Yesterday I went in for my routine check up with my OB.  I was 15 weeks. I told my Dr that I was concerned about the baby and would like to have the blood test that tests for genetic defects. Something I didn't do with either of my other pregnancies. She said we would do it at the end of the appointment. I then got on the table so we could listen to the heartbeat. After listening for the babies heart beat, for what seemed like forever, and not finding one, my Dr. said she was going to perform an ultrasound.  While she was listening for the heart, and going over and over every inch of my belly, she kept hearing the placenta very loudly.  At one point she said she didn't want to cause me unnecessary worry, but she shouldn't be able to hear the placenta that well. Unfortunately, someone else was already using the ultrasound machine in her office so they asked me to wait.  I sat in my room sobbing, texting Phil and my mom what was going on.  I knew that my baby was gone without the ultrasound confirming it.  The machine became available a few minutes later and just as I knew it would be, there was my sweet little baby, with no heart beat.  She said from the the appearance, it looked like he had died at least 4 or 5 days ago, but not longer than a week or week and a half.  She answered all of my questions, and told me that the next step was to see one of her colleagues who would perform a D&C.  I asked about the option of delivering so I could see the baby.  She said that was an option, but it would be a lot more painful, and they would probably have to do a D&C afterwards anyway.  She then left me alone to call Phil.  When he answered the phone I couldn't say anything, I just sat and cried.  He immediately knew too. I don't remember exactly, but I'm pretty sure he said something along the lines of, "no way."  He was in shock. He was heart broken that he wasn't there with me.  I never ask him to go to routine check ups with me.  They usually last 5 minutes so I don't see the point.    He offered to come over immediately, but my Dr was working out the details for me to go to her colleagues office across town.  When the Dr came back in the room she told me Dr. Meltzer could see me, but it would all have to be done immediately because he was leaving town the next day.  Phil and I decided to meet at home, get in the same car and head over to Dr. Meltzer's office.  Here is where my dear, sweet friend Amber comes in.  I had asked her to watch my kids for my appt that morning, thinking I wouldn't be longer than an hour, max.  Phil called her and told her what was going on and she graciously and lovingly told him not to worry that she would watch the kids for the rest of the day.  What would we do without friends?  Knowing that my kids were happy and well taken care of  took a huge weight off my shoulders and made the whole experience so much more bearable.

We arrived at Dr. Meltzer's office and had a brief check up/consultation with him.  He performed another ultrasound, listened to my heart and lungs and then explained the procedure to us. I was then taken to another room for the "dilation" part of the procedure.  That took less than 5 minutes and they sent me home to rest for about 4 hours.  They gave me 4 prescriptions, pain killers, antibiotics and Valium.  Before I could even ask, he asked that I please take the Valium, even if I thought I wouldn't need it. Which is exactly what I was thinking. Phil and I went home and layed on the couch and watched The American President.  Totally random choice, but I wanted something entertaining and mindless. I was in and out of sleep through the whole movie.  It was actually really nice to be home alone with Phil during the middle of the day, just spending time together.  An hour before I was to go back, I took the pain killer, antibiotic, and reluctantly, the Valium.  Within 10 minutes I started to feel SOOO weird.  Everything started to get really hazy and I couldn't focus on anything.  I literally felt like I had been drugged. Phil told me that I kept mumbling, "I hate drugs!" From that moment on until I got home 4 hours later, I barely remember anything.  I remember Phil putting my seat belt on, I remember stumbling my way towards the Dr's building and throwing up in a garbage can, I vaguely remember sitting in the waiting room asking Phil to take a video of me, so loopy, so I could see it later.  I remember the Dr coming in to the room to perform the procedure, but I don't remember how I got there, how I got my clothes off or how I got on the table.  And thankfully, I don't remember anything that happened until the Dr said it was a boy and me asking a nurse, "did he just say it was a boy?"  I thought for sure it was a girl. I recall bits and pieces of Phil escorting me out to the car, throwing up in another garbage can and pulling in front of our friends house to pick up Livi and Jack.  One of my clearest memories is Livi and Jack jumping into the car and giving me hugs and kisses.  Livi was so happy to have just spent the day with her best friend, and Jack wouldn't let go of me no matter what.  Phil finally had to pry him off of me to get him in his car seat.  I remember Phil helping me inside and Livi asking what was wrong with me.  I layed down on my bed and Livi and Jack layed down next to me until I regained full consciousness.  Although I'm grateful I don't remember the procedure and I experienced no pain, and still don't have any, I wish I had been coherent enough to ask to see the baby.  In our consultation before hand I asked if I could see him and Dr. Meltzer told me there wouldn't be much to see, but he would find out the sex if he could.  I'm so grateful that he was able to do that.

I am so incredibly grateful for wonderful family and friends who have called, emailed, and texted. I don't know how I would get through any of this without them.  Livi and Jack have made me feel so incredibly blessed, to the point where I feel like I have nothing to be sad about. Just watching them makes me happy. I am especially grateful to my sweet husband.  He has been my rock through this.  He went to the store last night and bought me ice cream, all my favorite cookies, and a dozen donuts.  Does this guy know me or what?

As devastating as this has been, I had felt for some time that something was wrong.  From the moment I found out I was pregnant I worried that something was wrong with the baby.  I worried about miscarriage, about having a baby with severe disabilities, everything.  I was hesitant to tell people about the pregnancy. I had to talk myself into announcing it on the blog.  As hard as I tried, I couldn't envision actually holding a baby in my arms, I couldn't get excited about all of the little things that consumed me when I was pregnant with Livi and Jack. I couldn't imagine myself with a full belly.  All of which I could do with Livi and Jack.  Granted, with both of my previous pregnancies I had the normal, "I hope my baby is okay!"  but this one was different. The night before my Dr. appt I said to Phil I was worried I had miscarried, that they wouldn't be able to find a heart beat. I had no physical indications of a miscarriage, no cramping, no bleeding, nothing.  I truly feel that God was preparing me.  Helping to ease the blow.   We don't know what was wrong with the baby and we probably never will, at least not in this lifetime.  But that's okay. I know that for whatever reason, this was supposed to happen.  And this morning I had a very peaceful, calm feeling come over me, and I knew that this isn't the end for me.  I will have this opportunity again.