Massanutten

We went to Massanutten Virginia for the week of the 4th.  We met Phil's parents there.  His brother has an internship in DC this summer so he was able to drive over and spend a little time with us as well.  Needless to say, we had such a great time.  We happened to be there during an insane heat wave so it was just as hot there as it was in Houston.  In fact, I'm pretty sure it was hotter.  Massanutten is this great little "resort" area with lots of fun stuff going on.  I felt like I was in the movie "Dirty Dancing." Minus the dirty dancing part.  We went swimming, saw a magic show, went to an ice cream party, went tubing down a ski mountain, Livi and I did this trampoline-bungee thing, rode go carts (Livi LOVED those!), went on a nature hike and bbq'd. Most importantly though, Livi and Jack got to spend loads of time with Nano and Zeus, and Phil and I got to spend loads of time alone together!  Phil's parents are so great at watching the kids and they always bring so many fun things for them to do together.  Phil and I would take the kids over to their condo, drop them off, then go do whatever we wanted!  We played tennis one night, went out to dinner, played ping pong, worked out in the gym.  It was seriously so great to have so much one on one time.  It was a truly relaxing but entertaining vacation.

 getting stoked to go and swim! Jack wore his hat ALL the time, he loved it!

 beautiful nature hike

 he's such a big little boy!

 she was so excited to do this, then she started sobbing once they hooked her up. Nano went to comfort her and she ended up loving it

 it was fun jumping next to Livi

 seriously so gorgeous there

 twinners

 they loved the little petting farm

 I was so surprised when Livi said she wanted to ride a horse.  I thought she would for sure change her mind once she got close to it, but she did such a great job and absolutely loved it.

 I don't like scallops or shrimp (the chicken was for me) but I just thought this was too beautiful a meal to not document.  Plus, Phil made the entire thing by himself!

 loving the apple beer

 Livi adores her Uncle Jason.  You can tell how hard she's laughing because her eyes look like they are going to pop out of her head.

Livi turns 4!!

 she requested a rainbow cake

...A month ago.  I'm a little slow on the blogging front.  For months leading up to her birthday if she saw something she liked she would ask if she could get it for her birthday. I would say, "wow, that's cool! we'll see!"  She did get the one thing that she wanted the most, a bike with peddles.  She has had a glider bike for a while and has been asking for a bike with peddles since last year.  I can't believe I didn't take a picture of it!  It is a purple and green fairy bike with a little basket/radio on the front that plays music and lights up.  She absolutely loves it and would ride it all day if she could.  

For her birthday we had a little pool party with her closest friends.  She had a great time with her friends and got some awesome gifts.  Even though she looks less than amused in all her present pictures, she was jumping for joy on the inside.  She doesn't like being the center of attention and she gets really stoic when people are watching her and looking for a reaction. As soon as we were alone she was talking non stop about how awesome all of her presents were. Phil was the same way when he was younger.  His mom went so far as to wrap empty boxes and have Phil open them in order to practice showing excitement. Livi is so much like Phil in so many ways it's hilarious.  

A few particulars about her at the age of 4:

she is very fastidious when it comes to touching things. Before touching just about anything, she'll ask me, "is this sticky?"  The other day I picked up some cinnamon rolls from Costco and I asked her to hold the box while I got Jack out of the car.  When we got upstairs she came up to me with a very disgruntled look on her face and said, "I'm SO mad at you!  You made me hold those cinnamon rolls and now my hands are sticky!!" (they weren't) 

She LOVES Dora.  She would watch it all day if I let her, and that's not an exaggeration.  She also is currently loving, The Backyardigans and Super Why. 

She still loves to be in her underwear. As soon as we walk in the door she strips down.

She is really worried about going to live with Jesus.  She is afraid of learning how to swim because she's worried she will, "sink down to Jesus."

She LOVES to swim...with floaties.  

She HATES to get her hair wet.  If anyone around her splashes she gets really upset.

She is incredibly smart and loves to learn.  She loves working on writing her letters and practicing their sounds.  She loves picking a letter and asking me to name everything I can think of that starts with that letter.  The other day Jack was playing with a puzzle and one of the pieces is a bird.  I told Jack it was a bird and Livi (from across the room) said very matter of factly, "it's a mccaw."  

She is the BEST!  She brings so much joy to our family I don't know what I would do without her. She plays so well with Jack.  I love making dinner and hearing them in their room playing and laughing together. 

Memorial and Moab

Phil has always wanted to go to Moab and mountain bike.  Not because he is an avid mountain biker. But because if you Google, "best mountain biking" Moab makes up a big chunk of the top 10 places to go. A few months ago we decided we would drive to Utah around Memorial Weekend so Phil could go biking while I hung out with my fam.  The drive there was surprisingly great.  Other than Livi asking, literally, every 5 minutes if we were almost there it was free of any drama or melt downs from the kids (although Phil may have had one or two).  We got a few books on tape and it made the drive go by so quickly.  I was really worried about keeping Jack entertained for that long, but he did great.  If he ever started to get fussy, and I wasn't driving, I would recline my seat so he could grab my hair and he would suck his thumb and fall asleep within a few minutes.  What would we do if I was bald?  We left Friday at 2:30pm and got to my mom's house at 6pm Saturday night. It was ridiculously cold and windy pretty much the whole time we were there.  While I was packing I failed to realize how cold it would be there.  I checked the weather and for the most part it was supposed to be mid 70's.  But that wasn't really true.  So I didn't have too many warm things for any of us.  Livi and Jack ended up wearing a lot of the same thing over and over and I borrowed my mom's sweaters.

Randi and Michael came down Friday afternoon, then Tommy and Julie and my Dad and Kathleen came Saturday morning. We had a blast going repelling.  The guys went out to the airport with Don's super kite and got pulled on the skateboard.  They went bouldering another day too.  I was noticeably absent from these activities because it was so freaking windy and cold. The wind makes me so insane I could kill someone.  Why is Wayne County so windy?!!!?  In case you can't tell, I'm still bitter about it.
Since me, Tommy, Livi and Michael have birthday's in May we made a couple cakes and sang Happy Birthday to the May babies. I love hanging out with my family, we were laughing hysterically as we gathered around the bar.
Everyone stayed the weekend and then we had to take off on Monday, Memorial Day.  We were going through Capitol Reef so we followed my Dad and quickly walked the petroglyphs trail and snapped some photos.  Then we were on our way back home!  The way home still went really well but for some reason it seemed to take twice as long. It doesn't help that once you finally cross the state line into Texas you still have 10 hours until you reach Houston.

Phil had an interesting time in Moab.  He biked Monday, Tuesday and came back to Loa on Wednesday.  Both days he ended up running out of water and nearly over heating.  Monday he was biking alone and ended up meeting a really nice man and his wife and they biked together for the rest of the day.  Then his brother Jason came Monday night and they biked together Tuesday.  Although Phil had a great time hanging out with his brother and experiencing Moab, he learned that he doesn't really like mountain biking. Funny story. Tuesday afternoon Phil calls me and as soon as he speaks I'm worried because he sounds like death.  He tells me that he lost the car key on the trail somewhere and wants me to see if I can get another one.  My first thought was, "how am I supposed to do that?"  When we bought the car one of the first things they told us was, "don't lose this key because if you do, you have to have this little number, (attached to the spare key, which we left at home) to get a new one made.  And it will cost you about $300."  As I was about to call the Ford dealership in Moab, Phil calls me and tells me never mind.  The key was in the car.  He had just left the car running. All day. 7 hours.  Hahaha!!!  He had pulled up to the bike rental store that morning, as he and his brother got out to catch the shuttle to the trail, Jason asked Phil why his fan in his hood sounded like it was still running.  Phil told him it must be cooling down.  Later that afternoon Phil was getting something out of his bag and realized he didn't have the keys.  That's when he called me.  He kept going down the trail and his brother mentioned the running fan and said maybe the keys were in the car.  Phil called the rental shop and asked the lady to go see if his keys were in his car.  She came back and said, "yup it's out there running"  He asked her to take the keys out and hold them for him and she said, "it's unlocked!?"  Somehow no one stole the car and everything was just fine.

I loved getting home and getting out of the car and having the heat and humidity slap you in the face.  Although, I don't think Livi shares my feelings.  Today while walking to the car she whined, "mommy why is it SO hot!" and I said, "because we live in Texas and it's really hot here."  Then she said she would rather be at grandma's where it's cold.  I would love to be at grandma's too, but not because it's cold.

 the only picture of Moab I have, the rest are on Phil's phone

 repelling in Fremont

 it was SOOOO windy!

one of the only times I ventured out of the house

Phil's first time repelling!

Livi getting her nails schlacked by Randi

Jack loved the way they felt

she fell asleep while Nana read her stories

Livi

Livi has turned into quite the little lady with quite the vocabulary and I want to write down some of the funny things she has said and does the last few weeks.

In order to teach Livi to look both ways when she crosses the street, Phil always tells her, "if you don't look both ways you might get hit by a car. If you get hit by a car you will have to go to the hospital for a long time, or you could get really hurt and you would have to go and live with Jesus in heaven."  Too much? Maybe. It does the trick, but I'm thinking it's sending the wrong message...  The other day while I was making dinner Livi was playing by me and singing to herself.  She started singing, "Nobody likes Jesus."  Suppressing my laughter, I asked her why she said that.  She got a really sad/upset face and said, "because I don't want to go and live with him, I want to stay here with you and daddy!"

We were checking out at the grocery store, after the cashier handed me the receipt Livi in the sweetest, most polite voice asked the cashier, "May I have a pair of stickers, please?"

Driving home from the park, after we had ridden some paddle boats and Livi's skirt was a little wet, Phil asked Livi if she would rather go home and change her skirt or go to Costco and get an ice cream cone.  She thought for a second and then said, "I would prefer to go home and change and then go to Costco and get ice cream."

We are big proponents of "Parenting With Love and Logic."  Giving your child choices and letting them decide.  Livi has quickly picked up on this and tried to negotiate with us.  Sometimes after I give her her choices, she'll shake her head and say, "here's my deal.." and proceed to give me what she thinks are the better options.

She loves letters and the alphabet and is constantly writing her name and asking me how to spell things, or what words begin with some letter.  She will write out a bunch of random letters and ask me what they say.

She is SO excited for her birthday in a few weeks.  Every day she asks for something new and says, "can I get that for my birthday!!"  Today alone, she asked for hair clips, hair bands, bracelets, nail polish, a bean bag, and a tractor (a real one).  I just keep saying, "we'll see!"

She is SO helpful with Jack and is so good with him. I love watching them play together.  They run around and chase each other, laughing hysterically.  She helps him do puzzles and she helps him hammer his shapes into their holes, and cheers him on when he does it.  She is still obsessed with his hair, and it never fails that she has to rub his head before every nap and before he goes to bed.

Livi is such a joy to be around, you can't help but smile when you're with her!

Triathlon

Phil completed his second triathlon this Saturday!  We drove up to The Woodlands at 5:30 in the morning, dropped Phil off to check in his bike, then the kids and I went and picked up some donuts and chocolate milk. We met back up with Phil at the park just before his heat got in the water. Walking around watching all of the people get ready, I got the exact same feeling I would get before a track meet.  The butterflies in your stomach, hoping that it would just hurry and start so you could stop thinking about it already! This was the triathlon that I had signed up for but withdrew when I found out I was pregnant.  When Phil went and picked up his packet he said mine was still there.  I guess I could have still done it, but since they had already reimbursed me I didn't want to push it.  Plus I really didn't want to do it. But I will do one someday!!

Phil did such an amazing job.  It was so hot and felt like the humidity was beyond 100%.  I don't know how he didn't pass out. He completed the race in 1 hour 32 minutes, finishing 12th out of 60 plus people.  Before the race people were going around handing out little cow bells.  Livi and Jack had a blast ringing those things. After the race Phil went straight down to the tent for a free massage. Then he and his friend Doug headed over to the tent with food and loaded up on breakfast burritos, muffins and fruit.  They had a live band playing and it was a really cool atmosphere. I couldn't believe how many of the athletes were drinking hot coffee afterwards.  I was sweating just watching them.
I don't know what it is about these things, but every time I watch him compete my love for Phil grows exponentially. I'm just so proud of him!

The Big 3-0!

My 30th birthday was last Tuesday. I can't believe how old I used to think 30 was and how, in many ways, I still feel the same as I did when I turned 20!  It was a fabulous day filled with many wonderful surprises.  The first surprise came when I woke up and Phil told me he had taken the day off of work and was taking me shopping!  We went to the Houston Premium Outlets and he watched the kids and played with them for a whole 3 hours while I shopped till I dropped.  I know how exhausting that is. He then surprised me with dinner  and cake and ice cream with several friends at our friend's house.  I couldn't believe he had talked to my friends and worked it all out without me knowing! I definitely underestimated his sneakiness.
The night before my birthday I asked him what we were doing and he totally played it cool, telling me he had a meeting until 4 and then he would come home and do whatever I wanted.  So I was basically preparing myself for a let down.  I'm happy to say it was anything but a let down.

Miscarriage

As difficult as this is to talk about, especially given how recently it happened, I really feel the need to write all the details down while they are still fresh in my mind.

Yesterday I went in for my routine check up with my OB.  I was 15 weeks. I told my Dr that I was concerned about the baby and would like to have the blood test that tests for genetic defects. Something I didn't do with either of my other pregnancies. She said we would do it at the end of the appointment. I then got on the table so we could listen to the heartbeat. After listening for the babies heart beat, for what seemed like forever, and not finding one, my Dr. said she was going to perform an ultrasound.  While she was listening for the heart, and going over and over every inch of my belly, she kept hearing the placenta very loudly.  At one point she said she didn't want to cause me unnecessary worry, but she shouldn't be able to hear the placenta that well. Unfortunately, someone else was already using the ultrasound machine in her office so they asked me to wait.  I sat in my room sobbing, texting Phil and my mom what was going on.  I knew that my baby was gone without the ultrasound confirming it.  The machine became available a few minutes later and just as I knew it would be, there was my sweet little baby, with no heart beat.  She said from the the appearance, it looked like he had died at least 4 or 5 days ago, but not longer than a week or week and a half.  She answered all of my questions, and told me that the next step was to see one of her colleagues who would perform a D&C.  I asked about the option of delivering so I could see the baby.  She said that was an option, but it would be a lot more painful, and they would probably have to do a D&C afterwards anyway.  She then left me alone to call Phil.  When he answered the phone I couldn't say anything, I just sat and cried.  He immediately knew too. I don't remember exactly, but I'm pretty sure he said something along the lines of, "no way."  He was in shock. He was heart broken that he wasn't there with me.  I never ask him to go to routine check ups with me.  They usually last 5 minutes so I don't see the point.    He offered to come over immediately, but my Dr was working out the details for me to go to her colleagues office across town.  When the Dr came back in the room she told me Dr. Meltzer could see me, but it would all have to be done immediately because he was leaving town the next day.  Phil and I decided to meet at home, get in the same car and head over to Dr. Meltzer's office.  Here is where my dear, sweet friend Amber comes in.  I had asked her to watch my kids for my appt that morning, thinking I wouldn't be longer than an hour, max.  Phil called her and told her what was going on and she graciously and lovingly told him not to worry that she would watch the kids for the rest of the day.  What would we do without friends?  Knowing that my kids were happy and well taken care of  took a huge weight off my shoulders and made the whole experience so much more bearable.

We arrived at Dr. Meltzer's office and had a brief check up/consultation with him.  He performed another ultrasound, listened to my heart and lungs and then explained the procedure to us. I was then taken to another room for the "dilation" part of the procedure.  That took less than 5 minutes and they sent me home to rest for about 4 hours.  They gave me 4 prescriptions, pain killers, antibiotics and Valium.  Before I could even ask, he asked that I please take the Valium, even if I thought I wouldn't need it. Which is exactly what I was thinking. Phil and I went home and layed on the couch and watched The American President.  Totally random choice, but I wanted something entertaining and mindless. I was in and out of sleep through the whole movie.  It was actually really nice to be home alone with Phil during the middle of the day, just spending time together.  An hour before I was to go back, I took the pain killer, antibiotic, and reluctantly, the Valium.  Within 10 minutes I started to feel SOOO weird.  Everything started to get really hazy and I couldn't focus on anything.  I literally felt like I had been drugged. Phil told me that I kept mumbling, "I hate drugs!" From that moment on until I got home 4 hours later, I barely remember anything.  I remember Phil putting my seat belt on, I remember stumbling my way towards the Dr's building and throwing up in a garbage can, I vaguely remember sitting in the waiting room asking Phil to take a video of me, so loopy, so I could see it later.  I remember the Dr coming in to the room to perform the procedure, but I don't remember how I got there, how I got my clothes off or how I got on the table.  And thankfully, I don't remember anything that happened until the Dr said it was a boy and me asking a nurse, "did he just say it was a boy?"  I thought for sure it was a girl. I recall bits and pieces of Phil escorting me out to the car, throwing up in another garbage can and pulling in front of our friends house to pick up Livi and Jack.  One of my clearest memories is Livi and Jack jumping into the car and giving me hugs and kisses.  Livi was so happy to have just spent the day with her best friend, and Jack wouldn't let go of me no matter what.  Phil finally had to pry him off of me to get him in his car seat.  I remember Phil helping me inside and Livi asking what was wrong with me.  I layed down on my bed and Livi and Jack layed down next to me until I regained full consciousness.  Although I'm grateful I don't remember the procedure and I experienced no pain, and still don't have any, I wish I had been coherent enough to ask to see the baby.  In our consultation before hand I asked if I could see him and Dr. Meltzer told me there wouldn't be much to see, but he would find out the sex if he could.  I'm so grateful that he was able to do that.

I am so incredibly grateful for wonderful family and friends who have called, emailed, and texted. I don't know how I would get through any of this without them.  Livi and Jack have made me feel so incredibly blessed, to the point where I feel like I have nothing to be sad about. Just watching them makes me happy. I am especially grateful to my sweet husband.  He has been my rock through this.  He went to the store last night and bought me ice cream, all my favorite cookies, and a dozen donuts.  Does this guy know me or what?

As devastating as this has been, I had felt for some time that something was wrong.  From the moment I found out I was pregnant I worried that something was wrong with the baby.  I worried about miscarriage, about having a baby with severe disabilities, everything.  I was hesitant to tell people about the pregnancy. I had to talk myself into announcing it on the blog.  As hard as I tried, I couldn't envision actually holding a baby in my arms, I couldn't get excited about all of the little things that consumed me when I was pregnant with Livi and Jack. I couldn't imagine myself with a full belly.  All of which I could do with Livi and Jack.  Granted, with both of my previous pregnancies I had the normal, "I hope my baby is okay!"  but this one was different. The night before my Dr. appt I said to Phil I was worried I had miscarried, that they wouldn't be able to find a heart beat. I had no physical indications of a miscarriage, no cramping, no bleeding, nothing.  I truly feel that God was preparing me.  Helping to ease the blow.   We don't know what was wrong with the baby and we probably never will, at least not in this lifetime.  But that's okay. I know that for whatever reason, this was supposed to happen.  And this morning I had a very peaceful, calm feeling come over me, and I knew that this isn't the end for me.  I will have this opportunity again.